my life in a nutshell

I fell this friday when I got home.

I fell down hard.

I twisted my ankle and hit my head.

Now I have to wear a helmet.

I think it will work for my sex appeal.

my dream man

I started thinking of what kind of man I want. I used to like pretty boys - the nick carter type. but as of late I've started liking men. sorta like, WE.ARE.MEN - WE.MAKE.FIRE. But what I really want (what I really really want) is a man who goes to masquerades with me dressed as a princess and prince. 

my heart will go on

him: I wanted to become a conceptual artist when I was younger.

me: I paint sometimes...

him: you do? paint me

me: paint you like one of my french girls?

him: is that another reference?
me: yes...

norwegian wood - the submissive Thor

I'll bet my friend Wen's going to love this story.
Well it has actually nothing to do the the Scandinavian Gods, it's just that he's Norwegian and in lack of imagination I had to name him something.
So we just chatted on the dating app, let's call it Schinder, and then on snap.
cutting to the chase:

him: I like it when a sexy woman tells me what to do.
(wrote show me dat booty to him)
me: really?
him: yes, makes my heart beat.
(sweet)
me: do you like to be dominated?
him: apparently.

thoughts:
hmm, what does a dominatrix do?
I need to google that shit.
(googling)

wow, can I do that?
seems awfully not nice.
oh well, I'll try anything once.


Typing frantically...
I want to you to show me the front bottom too...
yeah, shake that ass...
I like big buns and I cannot lie...

I need to practice more...

In the middle of all of the dirty talk suddenly a friend from school started snaping me.
GO AWAY. I'M BUSY!
I'M TRYING TO BE DOMINANT HERE!

Well, needless to say, I think I was pretty awesome at being dominant.

Teaser

Mrs. Robinson - save word: Dustin Hoffman.

him: "paint me"
me: "paint you like one of my french girls?"

the peeing bear

So I matched with this guy before but nothing really happened.
but this time we started to talk a bit sexy talk.
You know how I roll (rolling my eyes).
In his pictures and on snap he looks like a cuddly grizzly bear, a brown bear.
Very sweet, safe and someone you just want to snuggle up with.

well, fury bear.
with a lot of beard.
and chest hair.
you know, that kind of bear.

when I first met him in real life he couldn't look me in the eyes, it was like he was like stevie wonder on crack. I started to get a bit self conscious. didn't he like me? was I not like my pictures.
and he seemed so hyper.
like a teenaged bear with adhd.
but he kept talking about the next time we would see each other so I figured I looked hot as hell.

Then came the day. I was a bit weirded out after our first meeting but I figured he had been nervous and he'd probably be chill this time around.
He wasn't.
We went to my place and the first thing he did was to go to the loo.
Fair enough.
But he didn't close the door.
DIDN'T.CLOSE.THE.DOOR.

I first thought I was a part of candid camera.

Hello, you can come out now.

You already freaked me out.

But there was no camera crew.

I ran into my bedroom but the sound was cutting through the open door.

Fine. I can deal with this. I dated a guy for over 4 years and we never had the door open but still I can deal with this.

I'm cool.

I'M VERY COOL!

When he was done (yes, it was kinda hard for me to miss that), I showed him around my apartment and he liked that I was artsy (don't they all? *wink*).

He went in to my bedroom, took off his clothes and lay down in my bed.

Yes, you heard right.

He took off his clothes and lay down in my bed.

again, now with an attitude.

no, I think you got the point.

I turned to my imaginary friends and did the wtf face.

Are we going to sleep now? I asked.

No, he said.

That didn't help me at all. What was going on?

There was nothing to do but to undress myself awkwardly and put myself under the sheets beside him. Now what?

The following feature has been rated R by the motion picture association of people who can't handle secondary embarrassment - viewer discretion is advised.

coming soon.

well, not that far away. trying to paint now. to be continued.